Between the break up, the anxiety, the oddness at school, and my mood swings spiraling out of control, I haven't been able to hold on to much of my sanity. Finally tonight I pushed the line, did some stupid stuff, wound up on a couch clinging to my mom, screaming into her shoulder, and eventually making her cry too. But all in all...I think I needed to lose my shit. I'm okay now. I'll be okay. I'll get past this, and everything will be okay. I need this journal again. and I will be back. I am okay finally. I think...for now? Who knows. But this is all part of life, and I will get past this.

I'm a pretty big failure at doing the things I said I would. I have put up no pictures, BUT I WILL. I have not posted more frequently, but I am trying.

Changes.
-Lost my job before I could even start
-Got into school
-Hacked my hair off
-The house is empty all the time.
I do not mind

I'm looking for a job closer to my school no so it'll be easier to figure the car shit out. I am excited for school. I guess thats about it for my quick update. =]]

I haven't written since right before I left for california.
That five days was...enlightening, all around, in good and bad way.
As of today, I offically live in my moms new house. I feel like I have my own space again which is nice. The only thing I really want now is Zero, and maybe some independence, oh yeah & I also got a job, shwweeet right?
I'm a server at a cinema cafe here in good ole wichita.
in other news, I hate this fucking city. No one is anything like me, and I would love to get the fuck out of here and never, ever look back. But I am here, and my mom is here. and those things keep me from doing what I so badly want to do.

This was short, and sweet, but thats about it for me. I'm going to start using this journal more often andfor more than just my whining and rambling. graphics, pictures, fun stuff. It starts now. Tomorrow or tonight I'll start posting the pictures from cali.

I had this dream last night & this song called between you and I by every avenue was playing.

and my fingers fit like a zipper into the dents in his spine, aching for him to remember me the way he used to remember me, to make my touch familar again. and his hard fingers sunk into the flesh of my back.
my lips pressed hard to his clavicle , and I turned hard away but his face caught in my auburn hair as he inhaled and wrapped his strong arms around my hips. Slender, beautiful blue eyed boy, though he protested that they changed color. They are blue. He is stupid. Boys are so stupid, and I feel whole, but he doesn't even exist. Not in this world, or maybe any others.

Would you believe me if I said I was sorry...
the question wasn't meant to hurt, it was just my fear of losing you
& now you are filling all the space around you...
I'll soon be tucked away underneath your bed
where you gave YOURSELF to me...
where I gave MYSELF to you
maybe it's all for the best.
but i just don't see any good in this...
maybe we'll find something better.
but the lovers that leave us will always hold the place...

maybe it was wrong of me to think I could keep you.


I feel numb this morning. Sick, numb, I excersised, endorphines flooding my brain.

Why does it burn when he touches me.
I'm sick, in my brain, in my heart, in my body.

oh california you might be mine sooner than expected =]

"scarecrow, I think I shall miss you most of all"
lingering on moments where you held my hand
and made a promise with your face
that I won't forget.

my light is always green these days.

billy idol & trampled hearts
girls give in too easy, and I'm the girl that does it.
she says, hey hey pretty boy, you keep lookin at me like
I make a difference, like I'm the pretty girl
like I'm the on that makes you happy
and I'll do whatever you want
be whatever you want
say the things that make you purr
and you can scratch the itch inside of me


really, I could never like a guy who didn't like poetry
and sing a longs
and yelling michael jackson with me in the car
scratch that, I like people who look at me three times in a row and still adore me
no one even knows
I'm hidden in my own dreams.
blinded with star light and clouds.
i'm vomiting star shine and liquefying your eye sockets

blue eyes in california is busy in another part of the world
closer closer closer
I feel you moving closer, but your farther than far
because being close, but just out of my grasp
is even worse than being far.
pain
needy
drunk
steady me
I'm looking in the eyes of brown eyes

but vegas
and browns
and it all hurts much more than I should


I'm in an indie rap experience, called (apostrophe) HEY NOW!

surrounded by my friends.
all I want is todial california

yeah. I saw your hand dip low like you were considering putting around me
but then you didn't
& I wasn't sure what to think
and then I woke up again.

I played hide and seek in the dark last night
I'm a bad finder,
I always was even as a kid,
not much of a hider either,
to scared of the dark,
to happy not to giggle.

I suprised myself by being so sad
so sad not to get a text from you in 24 hours.
made my brain hurt
but you told me you like my texts
and you just forget to respond sometimes
& thats okay I guess.

I told you, you are my very favorite waste of time.
& you said the only way to graduate from waste of time,
is biggest mistake ever.
but I meant it in a different way. Meant a waste
because i'll always be waiting
and you'll always be creeping forward in a happy
steady march.
the brave one, the fearless one, the reckless one.
but I'm getting to be mighty brave and fearless myself
maybe one day we'll match.

yesterday when I watched Nitro circus I just thought to myself,
I use to watch this show and this, "I would never ever even fucking think of doing that bullshit"
but now I think...I'd try anything once. Whats the worst that can happen? It hurts for a little bit
& you fucking LIVED.


I know my ideas are good, when exhausted boys
ramble about them at 6 am, without even realizing they were mine. 
written and sealed in a book.
what if I am in someone elses mind.
I've been asking myself that question since I was 15 years old.
when met Andrew Stanton Jacob
& his mind attacked my fragile ego.


This week I have mostly been at howies. 
I like it.
i need it
the best place for me to be.
I'm going to miss this dead beat town when I move to the mid west. 
I just wish I could make the full trip to the wild wild west
out to blue eyes and palm trees
Shannan told me the first time I moved to California,
that the next time she would see me I would be standing on a pile of half naked men
sipping pepperment shnapps, in crushed red velvet
ordering my man servant armando to fetch me another drink.


I wish that had really happened.
I hate fucking las vegas.

I'm around.
Doing stuff.
Waiting to move.

spending time with friends.

I know I don't update much these days.
I'm just busy getting ready to leave
psssh.
Pretty gay
 

Deep steady breaths, should have hung up right away. But she didn't. Lingered onn the line to make sure you were really asleep. Reclined in the soft tight woven chairs, cold air running up bare legs. She snuggled onto her side speaking to you on the line, huddled against the cold, because she always braves the cold for you. And why? Because she has hidden motives. But you are too far gone, and she's too honest to say too much, because the wake up regret wouldn't be right, it wouldn;t be fair. But the kiss kiss baby wants to kiss kiss blue eyes. No more motives. no more pressure. no more schedules....just relax. So many feelings that feel too big.

shhhh

my muscles ache, and my bones feel stiff
like gears turning into each other rather than with each other
grinding against metal, and slowing to a halt
my head hurts, and the thoughts slip forever into nothingness because I can't stop them from running away
and sometimes I feel isolated and distant
because nowhere feels like home
when your body feels like a tomb
and the world is so big that it's gaping and pulling and I'm falling
& I"m losing

I feel my fingers opening and closing
but even I don't know why I'm grasping at nothing
I just want to be touched again
with feeling and fury and anger and love
and anything else that makes you touch someone
just hit me I don't care
as long as your touching me
justtouch me
so I feel human again

It just didn't seem fair that blue eyes could still dance along the tender lines of her feelings.
Tracing hope into the dust caked windows looking to her soul,
she read too much into everything and she knew it, doubting the meaning of any of it.
She knew it would be enough to be there, to be present, and to show him in every small way she could
that she cared.


even if jealousy ate at the corners of her being 

her voice was husky as she whispered, "I don't care if you love, just don't string this along"
      her back stuck to the ebony leather of the couch, his blue eyes were fixed placidly on hers.
he didn't speak, just sighed, cool rush of endless air, before he collapsed into nothing at all.

& then the lights went out. & she was alone again. 

Some days I wake up so confused. Where am I going? What should I do with my life? I want to be a writer, so badly. Rolling Stone would be amazing, but realisticly, you don't just one day want to work for Rolling Stone and do it. I want to be a Hollywood Special Effects person, but I"m worried that I'm not creative enough. I never feel creative enough. Like all of my ideas are just copies of someone else's idea, I'm struggling to stand out in a world, where I know I'm just another face, another girl, another "artist". Blue eyes is getting me all confused again. Sometimes Blue eyes just feels like home. Responsablity, honesty, loyalty, life, adulthood, feels like a shattered mirror. I want to break it all and run away. I'm tired of living like a prisoner of my own keeping.

I deserve happiness. I've paid my dues. I've done everything I could have. But I know that's not true, and you know thats not true. Because an adult would have a job, would have paid her own way, wouldn't be too afraid to do anything on her own. My mind is just twisted up, I deserve to be happy, no I don't.


How do I even feel about myself?
I don't even know man.


I started running today. It felt good. and Then I over ate.
Fail.

Warm again, cold again, headaches. I hate this rocking back and forth weather. These days are good days. Maybe I don't have a job, and maybe we live in some hellhole of a house, but it's still just the three of us in this great big world. Three. Zero, me, and Bill. We've made it through everything that has ever been thrown at us, and we will never take safety for granted again. Somedays I marvel at  the lights being one, let alone the internet working, or the water beng warm. I feel like I'll never be done being happy and secure in the fact that things are on, and that I don't have to worry about the numbers. For the people who aren't my real life friends I sort of want to put this all in a post. 

Bill and I are boyfriend and girlfriend, of about two years now. Zero is our best friend. When I moved in with them, we lived in a three bedroom house, three couple inhabited it then, systematically we lost roommates, gained roommates, and in the end it was just the three of us. We moved into a cheaper house, only two bedrooms. It was a really small house compared to the old one, but we wanted to save money. So we existed in that small little house for a while. And then the jobs started to dissapear. Until we were left with one income, and more bills than we could manage. We tried for a long time, to make that one paycheck work. We paid our rent, and slowly lost every amentity so many think are needed to survival. We lost our hot water first, and then our electricty, and after that our water at all. We lived with no lights for a week, and we had more fun than I thought was possible. Reading book for Kerosene lanterns, singing britteny spears through the open window, huddling close to our puppies, dressing up like aliens, and trying to scare our friends, we had foodstamps and we'd buy things that we could eat in one day each day. 

No one I know has stood where I have except those two. No one else knows what it's like to feel everything you have built up slowly fall apart. We built our life, but we built it on a loose foundation, and it was only a matter of time before it al crumbled in. I'm not ashamed of the life we have lived, I'm proud of our mistakes, because those are the mistakes that taught us how to be adults, and now I am about to move into my moms house with bill, in kansas. and Zero will stay here in Virginia. And nothig will be right again until we are three again.

 

So I bought my D60 about a month ago, and I have used it a lot. It's not virtually attached to me, mostly because I feel like all of my pictures are beginning to look the same. Like I'm not sure how to change things to make them look better, to make them pop. I feel like crap using the auto setting so much. Being unable to figure out what all these dials and knobs and switches mean. I just get so frustrated with the complicated nature of it all. I love holding my camera, and I Just want to know how to use it. I know I have a natural eye for photography, I know that I can take a good picture, now I need the edge, I need help, I need skills that I can be taught. I hope to be able to take some classes on it in Kansas, but I'm not sure. I hope I have time for it with work. I might be working in a scrapbook store, I know the owner wants to hire me, hopefully she can. I get a good feeling and I know I would be able to work will at a store like that.

I think changing journals is stupid. Why change a journal? because you don't like your screen name? Well LiveJournal, in all of it's excellence, allows you to change your username provided that username is still available. Because you are embarrassed by your old posts? Just delete them right? Just erase the meaningless old posts. & if you get hacked, hacked so someone can read the posts that you have set to private, the ones you don't want anyone else to see? You just change your password right? But what if you have changed your password well over fifteen times and your journal is still being infiltrated. Well then you change journals. I'll be going through and adding my friends periodically, like it says in the information only my personal posts will be friends only. Any art work, photography, icons, writing, anything I rock at, will be public. 

So that's why the journal changed. I hate the feeling of being watched. Like my personal thoughts are being riffled through and edited and changed, it's not fair to me, and I would love to stab the person, but I am a violent person. It's pretty upsetting how violent I get so quickly, but oh well. Violence is as Violence does.